Kill the Moon by Peter Harness (2014)

‘Look at the size of it. It’s the size of a badger.’

The moon’s an egg.
Has it, er, has it always been an egg?

Oh, my gosh. It laid a new egg.

I could just leave the review there. Feel free to stop at this point.

Let me set out my stall on this one early on, I really dislike it and watching it again, whilst interesting, hasn’t changed my mind on any aspect of it at all. It is really misconceived, to the extent that to my mind it almost beggar’s belief that Steven Moffat and Peter Harness, two talented, capable writers could have written and green-lit this utter ¤¤¤¤e. There is no redemption for this one I’m afraid, I can only list the ways in which I find this an utterly terrible idea, poorly executed. I’ll say again – this isn’t meant to be personal, I like some of Peter Harness’s other work, including that outside of ‘Who’ and he seems like a very affable, intelligent person. All of which just strengthens my confusion as to why this is so bad.

The main issue, though certainly not the only one, is the sheer affront it offers to my intelligence. ‘Doctor Who’ can be dumb and fun – but this almost revels in its stupidity. It is a like a black hole, sucking any ounce of cleverness across its event horizon and crushing it mercilessly into a singularity. Each time I watch it my own IQ drops – it sucks out intelligence and just leaves ‘duh….’ in its place. Make it stop, make the stupid stop.

Let’s start with the central idea – ‘the moon is an egg’. Actually, let’s not, I can’t be bothered. Steven Moffat said in multiple interviews how sometimes you should embrace ideas that sound terrible (or words to that effect). Well this proves that really isn’t always the best of strategies, this idea should have been strangled at birth. And no that isn’t a pro-abortion viewpoint any more than I think that this is pro-life. That might be the view from US reviewers, but Northern Ireland aside, it really isn’t a major topic for discussion or debate in the UK. Those people exist, but it isn’t part of the national discussion in any meaningful way. Peter Harness says himself that it isn’t about abortion, although watching it again, with that perspective planted in my mind, it is very easy to see why it might be interpreted in that way.

It might not intentionally be pro-life, but it is intentionally ‘anti-science’ in a way I can barely bring myself to think about. I mean I know the old show backwards, I know that the science wasn’t always well conceived (to say the least), even when the show’s ‘scientific advisor’ was involved. Research in those days for non-scientific writers involved going to their local library – Terrance Dicks famously read the equivalent of the ‘Boy’s book of Lighthouses’ in preparation for ‘Fang Rock’. Whilst in other areas where the science is hopelessly wrong – Mac Hulke and the chronology of ‘The Silurians’ for example, the science is bent out of shape for the story (to have Silurians/Apes cross time period) and because the science of the K/T boundary event was still being formulated (by ‘Earthshock’ it was still just gaining wider acceptance) and because, well they didn’t know any better. To my mind the new series has no such excuse or free pass, researching basic scientific concepts is a matter of minutes these days and obtaining the opinion of the scientifically literate or expert relatively straightforward. Here though its isn’t just the scientific detail that is incorrect, it is the whole idea that is just plain nuts, in a way that I find quite offensive. All I need to say is that it is the sort of idea they would have used in a Troughton era TV Comic strip.

The story also tries to have its cake and eat it. We have a story presented as if it is for real, with all the trappings of a lunar expedition, all done for what are presented as real-world reasons – the effects that the changing mass of the moon is having on tides and weather systems on Earth. This is then paired with a giant mayfly hatching from the moon, causing it to break up – with no visible effect on Earth and then magically laying another ‘egg’ of exactly the same size and mass as the old one it has just hatched out of. ¤¤¤¤ it, I can’t be bothered trying to work out the lifecycle of creature that can do that and the basic physics of it, never mind the practicalities of the reproductive system behind it. The act though effectively switches off the consequences of the story, rendering the whole thing even more pointless than it already was. If this had been set on a fantasy world somewhere else, where we knew nothing about its satellite, it would still be a bit laughable, but at least it would tonally consistent and the fantasy of it all might have been charming and magical, but not here.

LUNDVIK: Henry, go back and prime the bombs.
HENRY: Er, is there any instructions?
LUNDVIK: There’s a switch on each of them. The light goes red.
HENRY: They won’t go off?

So, we come to the other problem – I dislike almost every character in this – including the Doctor and Clara. Actually, especially the Doctor and Clara. She is an annoying, control freak bossy boots, he is a misanthropic old misery guts – they spend an awful lot of this bickering and arguing to the extent of her threatening to slap him – well sign me up for the series. I really couldn’t care less about their arguments or agency or anything else, I don’t want to watch this. It is one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of season 22’s Doctor and Peri relationship, if anything it is worse here and very badly misconceived. The relationship between Doctor and companion doesn’t always have to be sweetness and light, but to my mind you do have to enjoy spending time with them and I don’t here and for at least half of this season, when this stops or is at least handled better (‘Flatline‘, most of ‘Mummy on the Orient Express’) it is a breath of fresh air.

I don’t often complain about the show with regard to representation, I assume that it generally means well and that the people making it aren’t actually racist or sexist or homophobic, more likely towards the more enlightened end of the times they live in. Here though the idea that the astronauts are all a bit inept (third-hand according to the utterly charmless Lundvik) and ineffectual because they are ‘getting on a bit’ is just well, I don’t know… I feel on safer ground talking about this as a 50 year-old. Anyone picked as an astronaut is going to be pretty special – a combination of technical capabilities – science, engineering and physical strength/fitness able to withstand the pressure of extreme G-Forces and resourceful and adaptable enough to deal with any eventuality that space flight might throw at them. I get that these are supposed to be the only people able to fly the thing and it’s supposed to be a funny idea, but imagine telling Buzz Aldrin he was past it in this way, he’d punch your ¤¤¤¤ing lights out, rather like the way he did to that Moon Landing denier when in his 70’s. Having Henry wander around the moon asking which button turns on the nuclear bombs and bumbling about until he is killed by a giant germ (don’t get me started) is as ludicrous as every other idea in this and not even funny.

And then we have the planet voting on whether the creature should live or die in a sort of audience participation reality show vote. Oh just ¤¤¤¤ off.

And then the pointless, wearying argument at the end between Clara and a not very pleasant Doctor – oh just ¤¤¤¤ off.

Courtney killing the germ with a household product that kills ‘99% of all known germs’ – including those ‘the size of a badger’ living on a space egg. Actually, that might be funny and quite smart if it weren’t surrounded by a sea of dumb that has frittered away all of my good will.

And a guest actor in Hermione Norris, who is one of my least favourite actors – charmless here. Actually, this is pretty much the same performance as almost everything I’ve seen her in.

Let’s say something positive. It looks quite nicely made, the surface of the moon scenes filmed in the volcanic Canary Islands and the bacteria/germs are quite well done and creepy. Steven Moffat apparently wanted this to be very Philip Hinchcliffe – let’s just say on the whole that it fails somewhat in that regard.

Lastly Courtney isn’t quite as bad as Angie and Artie (from ‘Nightmare in Silver‘) – that is sort of a positive, isn’t it? I’m clutching at straws here..

Basically, this is a ¤¤¤¤storm of really, really bad and utterly stupid ideas. It might just be the worst ‘Doctor Who’ story I’ve experienced in any format, if not it’s pretty close to it.